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| Confidence for Relationships
Help, I'm frustrated with my partner and scared I will drive them away... Within each of us is an unconscious image or map that we seek when we choose a romantic partner. Left to our unconscious drives (and most of us are), we will select a person who is uniquely qualified to frustrate us. That's right, as crazy as it might seem. The committed relationship is the best way to find out who you really are and actually grow for the better. Intense frustration usually means your "power struggle" with your partner is fully engaged. Paradoxically, this frustration can mean that you are actually well matched with your partner. If the frustration in a relationship is unresolved for long enough, criticism, stonewalling, contempt and/or apathy can become the defense mechanisms that can destabilise the relationship. If any of these defenses are present in your relationship, you'll need help getting back on track. I'm beginning a new relationship, how do I know it's the right one for me? When we fall in love, suddenly we see life in Technicolor. We nibble each other's ears and tell each other everything. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving than at any other time. With our beloved, life is good. Well, this is nature's trick. When we are "in love", we tend to ignore differences and focus only on the good stuff, like how much we laugh together, we both like the same movies, or music, or food. It's all a simple but effective trick. Let me provide a personal example. When my girlfriend and I got together, she thought I was carefree, and never worried. She saw me as calm, spiritual and adventurous. Then after a few years of living together I turned into someone who was depressed, worried all the time and was constantly hassled and overwhelmed. She described this as "male entrapment". And it's true, I was guilty as charged. What happened to the carefree, confident and attentive person she thought that I was? Learning how to grow up and manage the incompatibility and love someone different from you is the true challenge of nature. I'm recently divorced and scared of taking my relationship issues into the next relationship. Divorce or "moving on" does not solve relationship problems. You can get rid of the partner, but you keep your own problems, pulling them along into the next relationship Our culture would have us do just that. Incompatibility is grounds for divorce, but this idea counters nature's intention. Divorce is Societies' institutionalised response to the childish wish for idealised, conflict-free relationships that never change. Incompatibility is the natural state. Learning how to grow up and manage the incompatibility and love someone different from you is the true challenge of nature and our cultures' next evolutionary adaptation. I am not anti divorce, I like many people have experienced it, and undoubtedly many more will. Our challenge is to end the committed relationship intentionally, fully engaged. Our selection of our partner may have been unconscious but if we choose to end, let's do it consciously and lets do it right. For a confidential discussion about your relationship and how confidence coaching can help call + 44 (0) 781267554 or email me |  | ||||||||||||||||
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